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Welcome to My Phobia

8/20/2016

24 Comments

 
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Given that we’re all humans, I think we can all agree on this: every one of us is imperfect. 
 
(The only exception is the first time one falls madly, deeply and impossibly in love with his or her utterly unflawed partner.   But this, too, shall pass.) 
 
Now I’ll go a step further: I believe that each of us has at least one phobia. 
 
Perhaps it’s more of an irritant to your spouse, like making absolutely sure the closet doors in a bedroom are completely closed before going to sleep, because who knows what sort of nocturnal presence is lurking beside our jeans and shirts?  Or it could be something that messes big time with our everyday lives, like the arachnophobia The Teenage Daughter once endured.   Her panic in grammar school after glimpsing even the tiniest spider was so acute—hysterical screaming, running and weeping—that she saw a school counselor for an entire year.  
 
Lest you think you’re phobia free, trust me, that’s impossible.
 
Indeed, you’re sure to find at least one perfect fit at www.phobiasource.com or www.phobialist.com, both of which list hundreds of fears. 
 
As a matter of fact, the former says phobias are the most common type of emotional disorders in the United States, and gives this simple definition: an intense fear of certain situations, activities, things, animals or people.  The site goes on to say that while the person knows the behavior around his/her fear is irrational, their behavior is also out of his/her control.
 
So it’s here, in alphabetical order no less, that you’ll find familiar phobias like dentophobia (fear of dentists) and agoraphobia (fear of open spaces/fear of leaving a safe place).  But who knew about kynophobia, the fear of rabies; katsaridapobia, the fear of cockroaches, and bufonophobia, the fear of toads?  There’s also octophobia, which is fear of the figure eight, and pupaphobia, the fear of, you guessed it, puppets.   
 
Then there’s my brand new phobia.
 
Not coincidently, it began about three months ago, right after my child got her driver’s license and began going places
by herself. 
 
And even though she is very, very good behind the wheel, and gets around in the sturdy, boring white Saturn sedan I handed down to her, I’m still uneasy. 
 
One reason is that her traveling isn’t limited to getting to work and college classes.  Nope, The Teenage Daughter traverses all over our wide open county—a total area of more than 3,000 square miles, including curvy canyon roads and crowded freeways—to do things like bowling, swing dancing and late night meals with her crew. 
 
It gets worse.
 
That’s because my phobia isn’t limited to simply hoping that my girl stays safe.
 
Nope.  It’s because I absolutely believe that every single time she backs out of our driveway, I will never see her
​alive again.
 
Lest one thinks this is a tad extreme, regular readers know I come by this fear honestly.
 
After all, her first dad, who was also my longtime partner, left our house one night to kill himself—which he did with frightening efficiency.  (That story is here, at http://hilaryrobertsgrant.weebly.com/blog/a-shot-in-the-dark.)  Yup, it’s another new psychological scar that has reared its not-so-pretty head, although it has no doubt been buried deep inside me, a full 17 years after the suicide.    
 
And, while I knew that I couldn’t be the only person in the world with this issue, I assumed that only a handful of people suffer from this.  After all, even I’m aware that it’s a bit extreme.   
 
Then I heard a recent radio interview with Rabbi Susan Silverman, the older sister of the brilliant comedienne
Sarah Silverman.
 
The eldest Silverman voiced that she, too, once suffered from the identical crippling phobia for decades, but never knew why.  To say it wasn’t easy on her husband and children is an understatement.
 
But then, after more than a few years with one therapist, she casually mentioned that her infant brother Jeffrey died
in a freak accident in his crib when she was two years old.  Her mother and father were away at the time, leaving the
baby and herself in the care of grandparents, who discovered the body. 
 
While Silverman had no memory of the event, the therapist explained that on some level, she still remembered the
death; consequently, her phobia began rooting then.  After years of counseling, the once-constant fear is now much subdued.  (The entire interview is at www.npr.org/2016/05/23/479150041/susan-silverman-on-anxiety-adoption-and-making-a-family-in-an-uncertain-world.)
 
Given that I’ve only just become aware of this same phobia, I still don’t know how I’ll go about fixing it. 
 
For now, I am extremely grateful for cell phones, and the fact that my daughter almost always texts back within five minutes of receiving a text from me making sure that she’s okay.  (Although I’ve never mentioned this fear to her, she went through the same death, and perhaps that’s why she responds quickly.  Also know that I make sure to never ever text while she’s in class, at work, or especially, driving.) 
 
Furthermore, I now have a ritual that happens if I’m home when she’s leaving .
 
I tell her to drive carefully, and I tell her I love her, in that order.  I know that these words are no more than a talisman, but saying them makes me feel better, and who knows, maybe they do act as some sort of magical, unseen protectant.  I also pray, out loud and in my head, many times during the day,that she’ll have a really good day, and be safe in every way.
 
So far, it has worked. 
 
Still, I also know that becoming a parent means becoming a hostage to fortune. 
 
And that probably means that while I can put a band aid or two on this phobia,  it isn’t going to  disappear anytime soon.  While I’m not exactly okay with this, I know that I have to live with it… at least for now.
 
What’s your phobia, and have you come to terms with it?  I look forward to hearing your stories and comments, especially if you’re a parent! 
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24 Comments
Jerry
8/20/2016 02:19:51 pm

I have a crippling fear of freeways, forcing me to keep my eyes closed tightly the entire trip -- even when someone else is driving...

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Hilary
8/20/2016 02:46:53 pm

Uh... I would certainly hope you would keep your eyes open WHEN you do have to take the freeway somewhere! Of course, around LA there are the canyons and Sepulveda and PCH and Soledad Canyon as surface alternatives. Still, a drag. Also interesting, because in the last year, I've had dreams of being behind the wheel on a highway and the windshield is completely clouded over. I can't see a thing. It's really scary, not a good sleep (duh!), and I mean, WTF? :)

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Larry Grant
8/21/2016 04:25:25 pm

I think Jerry just became my newest phobia!

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Hilary
8/21/2016 08:29:41 pm

LOL! I think he would understand why. xo

kerri
8/20/2016 02:30:47 pm

Hmmmm, do I have a phobia? I admit to not being perfect, and I am definitely ocd, but I don't know if I qualify as having a phobia. Fear of dying, I guess. I know I don't want to, but I don't necessarily fear it. I just don't look forward to it! I am always grateful when my daughter walks through the door, and always grateful when my husband picks up the phone. One day one of us will go first, that is for sure. I hope until then we continue to enjoy each and every day with each other.

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Hilary
8/20/2016 02:48:37 pm

Fear of dying is definitely up there with phobias. I hope to live a long life... but I don't want to disintegrate slowly. I always thought the best way to go would be in my sleep, with my dog and husband beside me. Second best way is that the look on my face at death would be one of complete and utter surprise. Quick and NO PAIN. :)

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Pam ThoMas
8/20/2016 02:52:12 pm

I hear you. Trauma never leaves us, and can be triggered. Not sure that trauma and phobias are quite the same thing. I was in a fatal car crash in my 20s... The only passenger not dead or badly injured. Even after years of therapy, I have problems riding in a car. I do not drive, although I did, prior to the accident. I understand the trauma, but it seems organic. I think that trauma responses to something extreme, such as what happened in our lives, is quite different from irrational phobias, such as fear of flying and arachnophobia, which can be treated and overcome. All I can do is to try to manage my reactions, and I suspect the same is true for you. Trauma leaves a brand on our brains.

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Hilary
8/20/2016 03:17:35 pm

Given that I know you spent time in California, I always wondered why you didn't drive. Now, I know. Perhaps some phobias are the consequence of traumas? I know that another adopted Chinese daughter, from the same orphanage as Katie, also has an intense fear of spiders. So Katie's phobia may not be random.

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Jackie
8/20/2016 03:19:47 pm

Even with good swimming skills, I still have a fear of drowning. Guess it stems from when I was a kid, taking the dreaded free swim lessons at our local beach in Fairfield, CT. When we were supposedly learning how to exhale with our faces in the water. The doofus lifeguard (who thought he was Neptune's son) had us blow bubbles in the water. My little brain never made the connection between the two skills, so I didn't do it. He pushed my head down before I took a breath. I thought I would die right there, in front of my mother. When I was able to come back up for air, I started crying, and Doofus me out called me on it, in front of all the other participants. Right then and there, I decided that I would never put my face down into the water, ever again. As an adult, I took swim lessons at the local YMCA. (Best lessons ever, especially if you have a hunky lifeguard who is also KIND and PATIENT. Now I'm perfectly happy blowing those damn bubbles underwater, and have slightly eased up on my biggest nightmare. On the other hand, I don't like things around my neck. I must have been hanged in a former life...maybe for lack of bubble-blowing??? 😮

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Hilary
8/20/2016 03:31:01 pm

Now that is one awful "swimming teacher." What a lot of folks don't realize is that when you're drowning, you pretty much can't scream... you don't have the energy or breath... if you're lucky, you have some strength to thrash around in the water. I took swimming lessons as a kid and loved it. But somehow, my brain forgot them. Today, I will never go into water that my feet can't touch! So if I'm invited to a pool party, I hope there's a warm, shallow end. Only exception is water slides... I'll go on one, but make sure to look for the easiest way to get to the side of the pool! :)

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Cathy
8/23/2016 01:15:02 pm

My biggest fear is the deep water I can't see below me. So I'm pretty comfortable in a pool, but will only float with a tube in dark water. I was told that I drowned in a former life, but I also used to have a reoccurring dream of trying to fight to get to the top in very fast rushing water. So in this lifetime my mission has been to try and overcome this fear. So I will probably say, I can swim to save my life, but not trying to be in the Olympics!

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Hilary
8/23/2016 04:51:48 pm

The thought of being in a pool of dark water, even with a tube on, is deeply troubling to me. So, hell to the no on that one! : )

Beverly Praver link
8/20/2016 03:51:57 pm

My fear of bats is crippling! I can't even look at pictures of them. I won't enter a room in a zoo that has them behind glass in cages and I refused to go see the Carlsbad Caverns through the natural entrance because of the bats on the ceiling. I have no idea where that came from, maybe from Dracula movies when I was very, very young. The way I cope with it is to avoid them at all costs or to close my eyes if I can't avoid the images.

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Hilary
8/20/2016 09:14:23 pm

My late partner and I went camping with his buddies more than a few times in the Panamint Mountains, a range that surrounds Death Valley . There, I saw bats--tiny ones--come out at night. They didn't scare me, but they also didn't get close to me. I think I'd flip out if one landed near me! :)

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Tammy
8/20/2016 04:29:52 pm

I would have to say getting stung by a bee. I have been stung plenty of times, at least 7. Each time I've been stung my reaction gets a little worse. I don't carry an eppi pen, probably should. Bees themselves don't scare me, I love to watch them buzz around collecting pollen from flowers. My phobia usually starts when I'm further from home, like camping. I try to be as carful as I can around bees and yellow jackets, I don't want to piss them off!! I don't think my phobia is going away anytime soon 😞

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Hilary
8/20/2016 09:20:52 pm

Yikes. I've been stung once only, by a yellow jacket, on my hand. The hand swelled up like crazy, but w/in a day, the swelling started going down. It was my own darn fault, and like you, I am now VERY careful around bees, wasps and the like. When I was very little, I'd see these BIG black, circular bees buzzing around. I think a neighbor once got stung by one and had a terrible reaction. But even before then, they always scared the crap out of me, but thank goodness, I haven't seen one in years.

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Susan Jordan
8/20/2016 06:42:06 pm

I think your fear is trauma-based too, and not that irrational, like phobias are. I had a childhood phobia about elevators that is mostly gone now, but surfaces a little when I have to go up in one several stories or one starts to make creaking noises. The other phobia is being in open, deep water, and is also from childhood. It used to include the deep end of swimming pools, but that's also mostly gone, and I love swimming all day. When I was about 10, the movie "Jaws" came out, and, coming from a California beach town, found myself not going into the water past my knees if I could help it. I'm still terrified of sharks, and am puzzled by friends who feel no fear swimming out in the open ocean when a Mako, Tiger, or Great White could come for them at any moment. I don't exactly consider fear of sharks a true phobia, since they ARE killing machines. If I have any odd, unexplainable fear, it's always been when I look at old photos of black ocean liners, and the Matterhorn and Eiger in Switzerland! Weird, huh? When I was a child, I first read this book on big disasters, and noticed how uneasy and spooked I felt looking at those old ocean liners like the Titanic, etc. I get this very unsettled feeling just seeing a photo. I have the same sense when I see photos of the Matterhorn in Switzerland; beautiful as it is, it also looks somehow like death to me. I have Swiss ancestors, so maybe one of them died trying climb it, and that got into my DNA! I also have Viking ancestors, so maybe that disturbed feeling looking at old ocean liners brings up some weird DNA response. I don't know, though - I just know it's there. It makes me wonder if Katie's fear of spiders could be DNA-related too.

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Hilary
8/20/2016 09:17:07 pm

Well, you definitely don't want to see The Eiger Sanction starring Clint Eastwood, and you don't want to book tickets on the ship crossing the Atlantic! Do you have a strange reaction when you look at The Matterhorn in Disneyland as well? Interesting! I hadn't though of the DNA stuff, but it makes perfect sense in every way.

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Susan Jordan
8/20/2016 11:34:30 pm

I've actually been on a transAtlantic cruise once, back in 1991. Our ship was painted all white, though, and for some reason, that made a difference; it's only the really old ones (painted black) that unsettle me. I'm also not the least bit afraid of heights or climbing. In fact, I've loved climbing things since childhood. There's something about the Matterhorn (and the Eiger, to a lesser extent) that just spook me a bit. And the Matterhorn at Disneyland has only a small element of that spookiness for me, and only at a distance, lol. It's such a fun ride, I love going on it.

leslie spoon
8/21/2016 03:50:19 pm

Hilary My mom had the same fear that you have about Katie driving. It lasted all of her life. Even when I was very young and another mother was taking my friends and I somewhere my mom thought that she would never see me again. I also like what your friend Jerry said about freeways. I feel the same way! I have always had a fear of water and big waves. I have had terrible dreams about them since I was very young. I think that some of this can come from past lives.

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Hilary
8/21/2016 08:32:00 pm

I'm glad your mom's fears about you driving never came true. As you know, I don't like driving down in LA anymore since my awful car accident in '02. I will do it if I'm absolutely forced to, but would MUCH rather not! And yeah, the fear of water and big waves could very well be a past life event. Might also be interesting to know if you got caught in a big wave when you were super young and don't remember.

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Cathy
8/23/2016 02:01:22 pm

My Mother would always want to come and see me before I traveled, whether it was by plane, car or train. I always felt like I was never going to return. I so hated that feeling. So, not fast forward to my children traveling.......sometimes I feel the same way, but I never tell them that, because someone has to break the chain reaction of this feeling.

Also, the first time I saw the ocean I was on a bus trip to Seaside Heights, NJ shore. The people we traveled with joked around and threw me in the crashing surf. I tumbled and tumble and couldn't find my way to where the top was. So from that day forward, I was terrified of the waves crashing. So now I just walk in the surf and you will never find me throwing anyone into water without prior knowledge if they can swim or really want to be thrown in.

Kari Schultz
9/28/2016 07:10:59 pm

I have had the worst phobia since I was a little girl and it is pure fear. I have been afraid of how I will die and now that fear is ever so much more real by my son being diagnosed with a fatal disease. I have had to subdue it with prayer and my faith in God. Now, that Jared has his learner's permit. I am afraid I will end up with another new phobia eventually just like yours.

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Hilary
9/30/2016 08:42:11 pm

Wow, that is one mighty fear to try and subdue. I would like to die one of two ways: gently and sleeping next to my husband, or with a huge look of "What just happened?" on my face. Both painless and quick! The good news about Katie is that I am worrying a *little* bit less, because she is a very good driver. There have been a few times that she has texted me that she will be staying at a friend's house because she is too tired to drive home. That is a decision I am encouraging! : )

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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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