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Terms of Endearment

4/22/2017

25 Comments

 
Picture
My regular person wasn’t around, which meant I needed to find someone else who was. 
 
Yup, I was looking for an I-like-gardening type who was willing to pull weeds ($12 an hour, cash), and who also had the muscle—helming a wheelbarrow with shovel—to spread lots of mulch around my large corner lot.  
 
The latter area is a gently sloping hill, and is mostly filled in—lots of thickly growing ice plant (I called them freeway flowers as a little girl)—with a smattering of pink geraniums, wild roses and jasmine.  
 
I can use this kind of labor every three months or so, and for a long time, the woman who did it all was amazing.  She showed up on time; followed directions exactly, and always had a smile for me.   
 
The down side is that she’s what we once called a hobo.
 
By choice, she has no car, no phone and no watch. Once, after asking if I had an extra can opener (I did), she plopped down in my dirt driveway and ate lunch—peachy-hued salmon out of a tin can.  The only way I can contact her is via two cell numbers; one belongs to a friend, who seems to roam as much as she does, and the other is the number for her grown daughter, a full-time student whose life is way more mainstream.   
 
The daughter always tells me that she’ll pass on my request as soon as she hears from her mom.  We think she’s busy picking avocados up and down our California coast right now, but we aren’t sure.
 
This led me back to square one, but I thought I lucked out when a neighbor told me about someone she had used. 
 
I called him and we had a good conversation.  A few more texts and a few days later, he showed up and we met in person.  As it turned out, he had another landscaping job that day—probably one that entailed more money—so, he introduced me to a buddy who had come with him, and then left.  That man did a great job. 
 
But I will never ever call the first man again.
 
That’s because he crossed a line, big-time, within 30 seconds after greeting me.
 
We shook hands first. 
 
Then he said, “Okay, honey.  I’m here, so just show me what you want, honey.”  He repeated this endearment at least two more times in the same number of minutes.  Not only did him addressing me this way feel unsettling, it also felt demeaning, creepy and sexist. 
 
I’d like to tell you that I immediately stood up to him.  I’d also like to tell you that I did so by locking my pair of steely eyes on him, and in no uncertain terms, ordering him to cut it out.
 
But I can’t tell you either of these things because I didn’t do either of them.
 
However, after giving him instructions of what needed to be done—but with my back turned away—I did say, “Don’t call me that.”
 
“Oh, are you okay?” he replied, starting to follow closely behind me. “Is everything all right?”
 
I got to my front door, still unable to face him, and mumbled, “Yeah, it’s fine.  I just don’t like to be called that.”
 
For someone who considers herself to be a very good journalist who has rarely been afraid to ask questions, as well as
a feminist who minored in women’s studies in college, I’ll admit this:  it wasn’t fine at all.  Moreover, I’m ashamed of
my behavior. 
 
While I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, I also know that I’m from an old-timey generation that doesn’t much believe in women making a lot of noise, much less a lot of fuss, when men say things that make us feel uncomfortable.   
 
In fact—and I’m embarrassed to admit this now—when I was a young teenager, I was flattered when a man whistled
​at me.
 
Then, why was my gut screaming that I needed a steam cleaning after he used this endearment over and over?  Had I been too sensitive about it all?  Maybe I should have acted like a duck, and let his name for me roll off my back like water?
 
I wasn’t sure.
 
So, hoping for feedback, I went on Facebook and posted an abbreviated version of what had transpired.  I then asked if it was okay for this near stranger, one whom I had hired to work for me, to address me the way he had.
 
I received more than a dozen comments, nearly all of them from women, and I’m happy to report that most everyone felt like me.
 
Comments ranged from “Not cool at all!” and “Demeaning and sexist… educate him,” to “One of my pet peeves!  I’m not your honey!!!!” and “Definitely not okay.”  Another female friend jokingly wrote that I could have defused the situation by calling the man “dollface” after the man called me what he had.  (The Hubster’s response to this: “Well, that could have been a powder keg.”  On this, I agree.)
 
Three men responded as well.
 
One, a fellow Clown College alum who is still actively clowning around, seemed to think the gardener in question deserved some wiggle room. Different cultures, he wrote, have different ways of seeing things.  “I deal with this all of the time when performing for different nationalities,” he wrote. 
 
Another man, one I had worked with on a long-running television show, had so much to say that he commented several times.  First, he wrote, “Great idea to spend your entire day correcting every dude, honey, man, sweetie, buddy and bro.”  (I’m pretty sure he was being sarcastic.)  He then went on to say that over the years, he has lost count of the number of women who have called him honey, “And it’s not a big deal.  They are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.” 
 
The last man, a friend I’d met on another TV show, said the entire scenario was a tough call all around.  He explained that in Texas and parts of the South, “It’s an endearing term, not meant as demeaning or harassment.  But I guess in California, it’s no, huh?”
 
The answer to that question is a resounding yes. 
 
In fact, here’s a simple rule to follow if you’re on the West Coast and meeting a woman for the first time.  And nope, it doesn’t matter how young or old said female is; what she looks like, or even what the circumstances are.
 
Address her by her name.
 
They call me Hilary.
 
What do you think?  Was it okay for a semi-stranger to keeping calling me “honey?”  I look forward to your comments!
25 Comments
Heather Risinger
4/22/2017 01:15:36 pm

Ya...you are right. I see it different. My immediate assumption would be he meant no harm. 'Any response
Would have been "please, call me
Heather." I'd prob let him have another slip, because I'd assume he calls everyone honey, and I'd repeat "please, call me
heather." If he did it again, is ask him what was wrong with him?

Reply
Hilary
4/22/2017 04:05:07 pm

This is what I would have done if he hadn't made me feel so unsettled. But then, him following RIGHT BEHIND ME--tailgating human--was also uncomfortable.

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Pam
4/22/2017 02:31:05 pm

This might have been the time to say... I find "honey" offensive, it's too personal. Or, give the guy the benefit of the cross cultural doubt. If this is a cross cultural experience. Either way, let kindness prevail and inform.

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Hilary
4/22/2017 04:09:43 pm

If I had detected any sort of regional Southwest or Southern accent, I would have definitely given him the benefit of the doubt. But, I didn't, and to my knowledge, he is from here. Girlfriends--who I **know**--have called me this, and it's not offensive to me at all. Same with the female servers at certain restaurants who have been around for decades. Being kind to myself is the main thing, though, which is why I won't ever use him again. The fact that I was employing him, and he still called me this, over and over, was just... not cool.

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Bev Praver link
4/22/2017 03:12:07 pm

It is not okay! It is presumptous and way too familiar. But being of a certain age, I too have let it slide sometimes instead of conronting it head on. It always feels demeaning, especially from an older man. If it comes from someone I have to keep interacting with then I do confront the issue. If I don't expect to see him again, I let it go.

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Hilary
4/22/2017 04:02:30 pm

All I can say is that I'm glad I have the choice to not interact with this man again. I will also not recommend his services to anyone I know.

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George Marshall link
4/22/2017 03:21:12 pm

Well Hilary, you are right, I haven't done that. I have been called honey, sweetie, and dearie by women who did not know me but that, in my opinion, is a very different thing. Men have not been culturally exploited by women. If a woman calls me honey it is non threatening for that reason. Actually I think its sweet.
My feeling is that every person should be greeted respectfully and if I do not know their name I simply say hello.
I do agree however with your other friend who said that depending on the cultural background that the man may have no idea that he is offending when he calls a woman honey and that he needs to be educated to that effect.
I don't think that is your job however. He will say it to the wrong woman and find out in a big way and hopefully learn the lesson.

Reply
Hilary
4/22/2017 03:59:36 pm

I agree with you on everything, especially the part about it not being my job to educate him. I hope he learned a lesson with me, though. When he came to collect his friend a few hours later, he made a point to call me Hilary. But if I hired him again, I would be reminded of how he made me feel--which is why I will never hire him again.

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George Marshall link
4/22/2017 04:08:05 pm

Oh by the way. A little off the subject but has to do with gardening and feminism.
I was working as a gardener at University of Tulsa. We gardened in sections so that I would be in the same area of the campus each day. Often a visiting professor would stop between her classes and chat with me. I had no idea of her significance as an author. She was most pleasent as were the conversations. I learned later that this professor was Germaine Greer. Feminist issues never entered our conversations. I think we probably talked about gardening.

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Hilary
4/22/2017 05:14:34 pm

This is especially interesting to me because noted feminist Susan Brownmiller (honored to be a FB Friend) just published a book about her rooftop garden in the West Village. www.amazon.com/City-Highrise-Garden-Susan-Brownmiller/dp/0813588898

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Olivia Richardson
4/22/2017 07:01:04 pm

I'm sorry your not happy with your initial response. I have definitely been in similar positions where I think about what my response should have been after the fact. Now you're hopefully more prepared for the next time :-) great post!

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Hilary
4/22/2017 07:43:41 pm

Indeed! All of life is a learning situation, isn't it? :)

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Kari
4/23/2017 07:00:24 am

I think honey was not necessarily a bad thing, but the way he followed you and made you feel uncomfortable perhaps. I remember as a girl, being quiet and not assertive especially when this older man touched my breasts everytime he gave me quarters for the arcade. I quietly left and did feel too embarrased to say anything.I never asserted myself. I was only 12 at the time.I wish I had the fortitude then to stop that behavior. Do I have it now? I would like to think so. My thought is we have to tell someone our feelings head on and educate and inform. I do not believe honey was sexist. I have called a student honey and was well informed not to call him honey or sweetie. My intentions were good and caring. But for you, you were listening to your gut and it was telling you something was not right. Honey in and of itself was not the issue, but more the way he made you feel.

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Hilary
4/23/2017 09:41:52 am

You've tapped into more than a few things here. :) And... OH, the breast touching! You just brought up a memory... Leaving a crowded middle school assembly, I think I was also 12, maybe 13, someone (my age) reached behind me and felt me up. I didn't even look behind me... so ashamed, and WHY? Another instance a few years later where I excused a stranger's behavior for doing the same. I mean, heck, I was wearing a bikini top in front of him! It had to be MY fault, right? GRRRRR on me. I would like to think my daughter would turn around and slap the abuser silly. I absolutely agree with the last sentence of your comment as well.

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leslie spoon
4/23/2017 12:12:47 pm

Hilary It does not bother me to be called honey. I have been called that by men and women. What I hate is to be called mam. It makes me feel like I am 80 yrs old. The man that you are talking about did a great job on my yard and I will use him and his friend again.

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Hilary
4/23/2017 02:03:24 pm

Kari's comment in this thread tapped into something. It was not only him calling me honey, it was the in-my-gut, creepy feeling he gave me. I'm glad that you didn't get the same vibes from him, and that he'll have steady work from you. The person I'm now using, as you know, is GREAT. :) Oh, and I would rather be called m'am by a stranger than honey, for sure!

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Hilary
4/29/2017 09:43:13 pm

Well, someone called me m'am today in the market. It stung but just a little bit. Not nearly the creepy feeling I got from the the "honey" guy.

Cindy Wignot
4/27/2017 05:54:36 pm

I totally get this and agree 100%! I had an almost identical experience just two weeks ago. A slightly older man used several versions of "honey" and "darlin'" when addressing me in a business encounter. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just trying to be nice and was just stuck in another era... but it felt icky and just not right. It almost felt political, like he was making a statement that doing this was his right. And like you, I just took it in the moment. Unlike you though, I didn't have the nerve to speak up about my discomfort. I wish I had. Thank you for writing about this Hilary ... next time I hope I'll say: "I prefer to be called Cindy."

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Hilary
4/29/2017 09:40:57 pm

***YES***, "icky and just not right" perfectly summed up my experience. BTW, this man sent me a text about a week later saying that he needed more work and "had to make $40 today." I told him that I was doing the work myself and he replied "OK." Haven't heard a word since. I'm hoping he got the hint.

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Susan Jordan
5/7/2017 10:42:29 pm

I once lived Back East in Delaware, and learned for the first time just how much of a Californian I was. There are noticeable differences in regional culture between the people of the coastal Mid-Atlantic and Southern California for sure. It was a great education for me. One thing many folks in Delaware, Maryland (especially the Baltimore area), New Jersey, and eastern Pennsylvania (especially Philly) do is call each other "Hon" (pronounced 'hun'), short for "Honey". Everybody, male and female alike, uses the term. Actually, I said it was pronounced 'hun', but back there, the accent morphs it more into something close to 'hawn'. It's hard to explain if you've never heard it. It IS generally used more with people who are familiar with each other, but that rule wasn't hard and fast. I think regional rules can be a minefield of sorts to the uninitiated, and can cause misunderstandings. It's better to be silent and observe for awhile before speaking, but sometimes mishaps occur.

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Hilary Grant
5/8/2017 08:22:04 am

You are so right! I have since learned, though, that the person I wrote about was raised right in this area. His very rich daddy gave him $10K *per month*, which explains why he drove up in a big shiny truck with trailer. He also had four kids with his girlfriend, and about a week after I met him in person, took off to Hawaii to be with a new woman. What a tool!

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Andrea Peck
6/20/2017 10:26:11 pm

Interesting topic. Easy to get distracted by the man calling you Honey, but what I hear is that undercurrent of how we feel that we fail ourselves. He may or may not have been someone to watch out for, but it is that sense that when something stings us or pushes a button that we sort of flail under the microscope of our own judgement. For me, it is annoying when someone calls me Honey, particularly because it is so condescending. But in ordinary circumstances, I'd probably joke and respond back in a somewhat pointed way. But, there are so many other instances of other things, particular to my own personality, where someone may something or give a vibe about something and I just don't know how to respond in a confident way. What IS that!? I wonder if it is the inability to respond in a way that you feel comfortable with--or do those moments touch on some past hurt or memory that we have not resolved...

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Hilary
6/20/2017 10:49:53 pm

It was more the creepy vibe, which also included him getting right up behind me, smack in my personal space. I mean, I had never MET the guy until the day he came over. Good riddance--last I heard, he was in Hawaii, having abandoned his FOUR children. Yeah, a good guy. NOT.

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kerri fisher
2/15/2018 10:25:47 pm

I myself do it ALL.THE.TIME. At work, especially. "thank you, hon" or "sure, dear" or "oh hey, sweetie"...I can't explain it other than the fact I am from the south, so it must have rubbed off on me.

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Hilary Grant
2/18/2018 04:01:27 pm

Very different coming from you, Kerri! : )

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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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