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Resolutions

1/24/2016

28 Comments

 
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 ​Maybe it’s because they don’t cost anything, or maybe it’s because you can do them without ever leaving the house.  Or, it might be that since everyone around you seems to be doing them, you’re compelled to do the same.  
 
And I’ll admit it: once upon a time, and for more years than I’d like to remember, I did them, too.
 
But now, I no longer make New Year resolutions.
 
For one thing, those January determinations always ended up being pretty much the same ones, every single year, and also pretty much ended up not how I had hoped they would. 
 
At the top of the list, always, was dropping a few pounds, followed closely by eating less and exercising more.  There has also been a desire to be kinder and more forgiving, and for those closest to me, I know I still have to work harder
on the latter.  And although I’m a lifetime worrier, I’m aware, too, that reining in this part of my personality would make me way less anxious, and probably way more happy, all around.  
 
I didn’t stop my resolutions only because they didn’t stick.   
 
They always did—for a little while.
 
There was the year I faithfully sprinkled flax seed on nearly everything I ate, even though it tasted like crunchy dirt.  Most recently, and this particular tweak actually lasted for a couple of years, I faithfully attended Zumba classes twice a week.  Even a dance dork like me could do most of the moves, and I absolutely felt more energetic. 
 
But I obviously wasn’t that committed, because when the teacher quit due to health issues, I made no effort to look for any new classes.
 
As it turns out, this sort of maybe-I-will, maybe-I-won’t attitude about New Year’s resolutions is how a lot of other people operate, too.  
 
A few years back, Dr. John Norcross, a leading university researcher on New Year’s behavior (nope, I’m not making this up), had two assistants call hundreds of potential participants for a study about January resolutions.  All of the calls were made over the last five days in December, with 400 people eventually agreeing to take part.     
 
Based on their responses, Norcross then divided those folks into three groups.
 
The first group said they never made resolutions.  The second admitted that they didn’t necessarily make resolutions in January, but thought they might later in the year.  The third said they were definitely planning on making resolutions at the New Year.
 
Focusing on the latter two groups, here’s what Norcross discovered.
 
With the group who thought that resolutions might be best made later in the year, he found that two weeks after making those determinations, more than half were sticking to them.  Yet six months later, only four percent were successful.
 
But with the group that made their resolutions at the New Year, 71 percent were successful after two weeks.  Perhaps even more astonishing, 46 percent remained committed at the six-month mark. 
 
In other words, those who made their resolutions in January were 10 times more likely to keep them than the people who made their resolutions at other times in the year. 
 
While no one knows exactly why this is so, perhaps it’s because the New Year creates a sort of “pocket” for our mass culture—the most popular time for Americans to stop, think and reflect about making positive changes.  It really is a time that the rest of the year doesn’t necessarily accommodate.      
 
It may also be that by being mindful right about now, those who stay committed to their goals come to find out that long-term success truly doesn’t have much to do with super-human, teeth grinding willpower.  In fact, given that this sort of resolve is supposed to be in motion 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it is, simply, impossible to maintain.   
 
Instead, those who stuck to their programs probably realized it was all about accomplishing small goals and
small wins, which are generally easier to stick to.  Consequently, these little changes often end up the more
lasting ones, which also does the most good.   (Learn more about Norcross’s study with this entertaining
video, at www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqbAsr6wN_I.)      
 
Then, there are folks like me.
 
While I’m no longer a card-carrying member of the New Year Resolutions Brigade, this doesn’t mean that I’ve completely given up on trying to be A Better Human Being.
 
So, for the second January in a row, I have tried something else, something that Norcross and his team didn’t study.
 
I have surrendered. 
 
This doesn’t mean being a wimp, and lying down whenever an obstacle rears its head.  Rather, armed with grace and humor, I try to be aware and open to whatever changes, good and bad and in-between, the coming year will bring.
 
In my world, this translates into relinquishing my tight grip on what I think I should do, and instead, try to flow with, be open to, and most of all, enjoy what’s happening along the way.  Given that the only constant in life is change, I’m finally recognizing that life is (and always has been) a little less clear, a little less clean, and a little less controlled that I’d like it to be. 
 
In fact, to be human means that not only will our circumstances change, it’s also okay to allow ourselves to be changed by them.  By letting go of the old, we can also make way for the new, and at the same time, perhaps even try to “re-pattern” negative habits.  Of course, it’s easy to resent the changes (especially, most especially, the ones that I don’t initiate) that come my way. 
 
So, instead, I am trying my best to looking forward to “re-weaving” all sorts of new journeys… filled with wonder, surprises and smiles.
 
It’s really the only resolution I need. 
 
Do you make New Year’s resolutions?  I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories!     
28 Comments
Jerry link
1/24/2016 08:45:43 pm

I’m trying to accept the good advice that you’ll get further by changing habits that you can control than by establishing lofty meritorious goals, which are notoriously unrealistic and unattainable… In other words, rather than saying, “I’ll write 10 pages a day” or “I’ll lose 10 pounds a month,” you’re better off saying, “I’ll write every day from 8 a.m. until noon” and “I’ll eat fresh fruit, and not cake/cookies/candy, for desserts.” … It’s the difference between “I wanna be an actor” and “I’m going to create an opportunity to perform in a play”..
Also, I’m a big believer in kaizen — baby steps…. The brain resists big change, but can accept small tweaks… Floss one tooth… Do one sit-up… Practice one song… So start your new habit ONE day a week in January… Then TWO days a week in February… etc etc… (Have I succeeded in distilling shelves of self-help books to one paragraph?) …

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Hilary
1/24/2016 09:13:39 pm

I hadn't realized that the brain resists big changes, but this makes perfect sense. Old habits really DO die hard, but small, positive tweaks can make their way into those noggins, and make lasting changes. :)

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Jerry link
1/25/2016 02:04:52 pm

Check out "One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way" by my pal Dr. Robert Maurer!... https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/266621.One_Small_Step_Can_Change_Your_Life

Jackie
2/15/2016 04:42:59 am

I like this approach; kinda like, "instead of____, do ____." And I will check out the book you mentioned in your comment. Thanks!

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Hilary
2/15/2016 01:32:51 pm

Small steps toward improvement are always the better way, because the probability of them sticking is greater! :)

George Marshall link
1/24/2016 10:13:25 pm

I don't make New Years resolutions. I just try to meet the changes in the road as I come to them.

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Hilary
1/25/2016 09:15:21 am

And that can be challenging enough... at least for me! :)

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leslie spoon
1/25/2016 08:57:36 am

Hilary Just try to make the most of every day. Leslie

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Hilary
1/25/2016 09:16:53 am

There are those who don't think to do this, and maybe those are the folks who do best with sitting down, pen/pencil in hand, and making resolutions! :)

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Jim Nolt
1/25/2016 09:40:33 am

Like so many other things Geico tells us about... making resolutions "is what you do" because almost everybody talks about resolutions when the new year draw nigh. But I haven't made any for decades. That's mostly because I forever disappointed myself. One can achieve wondrous goals if sufficiently motivated... but simply ltearing off a calendar page never provided me with sufficient motivation to do anything more than to balance my check book. I need something more than that.

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Hilary
1/25/2016 06:49:16 pm

I think that the traditional time/way of making New Year's resolutions is really only for the very young. Re: wondrous goals... you had a goal to bring all of us together for George Reeves' 100th birthday, and by golly, you DID. You had a LOT of sufficient motivation, and that's what you needed to do it. :)

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Jim Nolt
1/30/2016 06:07:58 pm

Well, Hilary, I'll agree with you there... I was so very motivated to make that happen and then so pleased afterwards. And that might be a topic for a future blog. What makes us most happy? I think I get more joy from bringing people together like we did at Celebration 2014 than from anything else... with the exception of spending time with my family... especially that new great-grandson.

Larry Grant
1/30/2016 04:39:41 pm

Not a resolution kind of guy. Doing my best to live in the present keeps me plenty busy...in the present. This wasn't a resolution. It was a discovery that has brought a lot of positivity into my life.
New Years for me means enjoying college football with a friend. One play at a time.

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Hilary
1/30/2016 04:46:06 pm

One day, one play... but with the flexibility to move with the inevitable changes. :)

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Pam Thomas
1/31/2016 05:55:28 am

Haha! All I want is to be in that photo with that raucous fun loving bunch of revelers!

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Hilary
1/31/2016 02:44:50 pm

Me, too! I bet none of them have teenagers!

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Susan Jordan
2/1/2016 01:02:10 am

Most of the resolutions I've made in the last few years were more like small projects that were easy to start and finish, and involved doing something new. (I love that "kaizen"! It's just what I've done or wanted to do.) One year, I resolved to learn exactly what a haiku was, then write one. I took to the end if that year, but I did it. I can't remember now if it was an actual NEW YEAR'S resolution or not (I think it was more like Thanksgiving 1998), but one time, I resolved (vowed) to buy one item for charity/someone in need each time I shopped for myself at the supermarket or other store. Pretty much without exception, I've kept that vow/resolution. Sometimes I forget (rarely) or just can't buy the extra item for others, but I always remember to double up the next trip to the store. Right now, I have a new bottle of Sriracha sauce and Tapatío sauce on a shelf, waiting to be donated to a homeless shelter I help cook and serve at once a month. Ever since that day in 1998, this resolution has made me a happier person. I think those lofty goals are nice, but a person has to line up all the other things that will support it happening, and if you don't do that, you don't really mean it. I'm buying new walking shoes this week, and a new swim suit and long-hair cap just arrived in the mail, to support my re-entry into the pool and some swim fitness classes. I knew if I just said I wanted to get into the water but didn't buy the swimming gear for it, I'd never get back in. So now my hat is going over the fence! A day at a time works fine for me and a lot of other people. This "kaizen" business? Perfect.

P.S. Hilary, I request you research new Zumba courses in your area, and return to it with an instructor you like. Ask friends for help in this if you're willing. You were energized by Zumba! I know how much you liked it. You can usually 'test drive' one at a time with a $5 payment for a single session. See which new instructor(s) you might like. Please consider going back.

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Hilary
2/1/2016 07:27:41 am

Small steps seem to be the mindful and purposeful way--in fact, really, the only way--to make those positive changes in one's life stick. I also love the idea of buying something for charity, or for one person, every time one does a supermarket run. I've helped a few people out at the market when I can tell that they really don't have the change to scrape together. Buying sandwiches for those homeless men on their way to the Bay area last year did my heart good, too. This is an easy way to count my blessings AND become a kinder person at the same time! Re: Zumba... yes, I do have to get back to it. Not at the top of my to-do list at the moment. But yoga is always there, as is walking! xo

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Cindy
2/1/2016 01:47:28 pm

Although I didn't do it this year (yet), in years past one of my favorite little rituals is finding somewhere peaceful and beautiful to be on New Years morning and creating my wishes and goals for the year. I've found that when I do this bit of intentional thinking or visualizing, the things on my list become more reality than wish. One of my fondest memories is of spending New Years Eve at a bed & breakfast on the beach cliffs of Yachats, Oregon. We fell asleep not long after dinner, woke up at dawn and sat on a bench overlooking the waves making a list on paper of everything we hoped & planned for that year. I loved the positive, excited feeling of what could be and was surprised the following New Years Day to see how many things on that list had become reality. Hmm, I think I've just convinced myself to find the nearest peaceful place and do some intentional thinking for the coming year - it's not too late. Thanks for this post Hilary!

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Hilary
2/1/2016 06:39:21 pm

Your making-resolutions-at-dawn experience completely matches up to the research I talk about in this blog. AND, it was all about the positive and looking forward to new adventures, new causes, new outlooks. You took advantage of that "pocket" -- for that, I commend you, big time. :)

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Tammy
2/1/2016 07:26:10 pm

In the past I would make my New Years resolutions and try to stick with it. It would last about a month and I was back to my old habits. So the last couple of years I haven't made any. Why make a resolution I can't keep and then feel disappointed in myself. So I just do small changes that I know I can do and follow through with, which in turn makes me feel good about myself. Oh and as far as Zumba goes I've been really bad too! I need to get back in class. Sally is back dancing again. Maybe we could give Sally a try again!😊

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Hilary
2/1/2016 08:41:59 pm

EXACTLY. **Small** changes are the key to **lasting** changes! Those small changes add up--it ALL counts. I'm all for giving Sally a try again, too. :)

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Fran Phinney
2/7/2016 04:12:16 pm

I find it best to start my usual N Y resolution of starting a diet somewhere in the middle of Jan. That way I can prepare for it. Then if that's missed or doesn't stick, I can try again in Lent.
Mostly like Hilary, I no longer resolve to do or change much in my life at the beginning of the year. I do try to exercise or diet or keep the house cleaner many times as the year goes by. I seem to end up in the same place I started. I figure I have a whole year to get my resolution done... At my age, I resolve to sleep through the night without having to get up for a 3am bathroom run. When I actually do get through the night I feel really rested.
In order to make sure I keep at least one resolution for New Years and or Lent, I give up smoking... it's easy because I have never smoked. I can at least feel happy about that.

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Hilary
2/7/2016 09:41:14 pm

So much of what I write about is taking baby steps. I like the idea of using Lent as a second chance, too! I, too, try to keep my house clean, and exercise every day, and eat right every day. Some days are definitely better than others. But I definitely never ever sleep through the night...it's always a powder room break time, once and sometimes twice, even when I take my once-a-week Benedryl. I'll have to remember your resolution about smoking, since I've also never smoked. :) xo

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Jackie
2/15/2016 04:44:53 am

I want to take over the world and make it a better place to inhabit. So, is that a "revolution resolution?" 😜

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Hilary
2/15/2016 01:31:30 pm

YES! :)

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kerri
2/23/2016 04:35:03 pm

I always make them, and they are always the same (health/weight/diet/what I put in my piehole always at the top of the list), although they have gotten way more general, and I have gotten way less militant about them in my old age. Being OCD, I always like the formality or having that special day. In fact, lately I have been wishing I could turn back the clock a couple months, or speed it up to the next one, since I just realized I need this resolution.... being more organized with my time and more reliable when it comes to time commitments. I have been feeling bad about my frenetic schedule, and having to beg out of social engagements at the last minute. My intentions are good, but I am so busy! Just like all of you! Family and work always seem to come first, but friends are so important as well. So, maybe I will recommit to trying to do better at that, and maybe March 1 will be my 2nd shot at it!

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Hilary
2/23/2016 05:27:50 pm

As you know from reading the post, I no longer do New Year's resolutions. But when I do decide to make positive changes, I, too, allow myself a lot more wiggle room than I did when I was younger, knowing what is attainable and what is not. That's the wisdom of age, I think. There are many times when I want to be home and relaxing, or go to a movie, or go out to tea with a friend, but the bills beckon and they have to be paid. I understand, completely. :) xo

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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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