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My Crazy Jewish Girl Christmas

11/28/2015

39 Comments

 
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I’m going to take a leap of faith here and say that most kids love Christmas. 
 
First, school is out for two whole weeks.  Second, there are presents.  Don’t forget Christmas trees heavy with ornaments; dazzling light displays, and singing along to songs of the season.  Oh, and the food:  creamy egg nog and smooth chocolate fudge, rich butter cookies, and other astonishingly decadent goodies that appear only at this time
of year.
 
I hated Christmas when I was a child.        
 
Not only that, it wasn’t until I reached my 30s that I was finally able to make peace with what’s supposed to be the most joyous holiday of the year.
 
The reason is simple. 
 
I was a Jewish girl who grew up in a thoroughly Christian neighborhood.  
 
Despite these obvious demographics, as well as the fact that my family was what I today call “California Jews”—i.e. undeniably not hard core when it came to practicing our religion—my parents refused to bring a tree, and none of its accoutrements, into our home.  That included presents.    
 
But perhaps because my mom and dad also understood that there was no escape from this all-encompassing month—Christmas was, and still is, everywhere—we did acknowledge the holiday.
 
In a decidedly oddball sort of way. 
 
This meant that my mother spent weeks baking dozens upon dozens of butter cookies with cookie cutters shaped like Christmas trees and silver bells.  Strangely, my brother and I also had photos taken of us in the lap of a big store Santa Claus, although we both knew that he wasn’t magical and requests to him would go unanswered.  Mom mailed out Christmas cards, too, and even took a tiny glass tree out of storage that sat on top of our television set for
most of December.
 
There’s more to this schizophrenia.
 
Next to the little tree, my parents placed a Hanukah menorah. 
 
Sometimes we would light candles, but if the hour got too late and we forgot, well, we’d make up for that the next night. If we did remember, we still never recited any prayers beforehand.  You’ve probably guessed by now that there weren’t any gifts to acknowledge the Festival of Lights.  
 
Instead, in those times before Black Friday and Cyber Monday, my mom and I would hit department store blowout sales immediately after December 25.
 
We’d wind up hauling a few shopping bags full of dresses, skirts and blouses home. So, if a classmate happened to ask what I had received for Christmas, it was a no brainer to say those clothes had been under the tree.
 
This tactic worked well until fourth grade. 
 
That year, long before diversity became every school’s mantra, my class made Christmas ornaments.  Bright white Styrofoam spheres were passed out, along with sequins and pins.  But when I proudly brought the decoration home, my mother had a fit.  She even called the principal to loudly complain that not everyone at the school had a Christmas tree, and not everyone celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ, thank you very much. 
 
Now even my teacher knew how different, and somehow, how ashamed, I felt.     
 
The years passed and I left home for college, joined a circus, returned to college and snagged a journalism degree, then moved to New York City to write.  With the eyes of an adult, I could now see that for millions—perhaps even the majority of Americans—Christmas wasn’t about any particular religion (although for millions of others, including my Christian husband, it is).    Rather, it was much more of a time to reflect, and act on, good will, peace and kindness. 
 
Still, it somehow didn’t feel right to buy a Christmas tree. 
 
But it was also pointless for me to have a menorah since I hadn’t been inside a synagogue for decades. 
 
Then—and this took a few more years—I had an epiphany.    
 
I realized that even though I’d felt like an outsider for decades, I still longed to feel the sweetness and joy of the season. 
 
And now, I could.  Yes, there was finally a way to be okay, even happy, when Christmastime rolled around.     
 
I could create my very own holiday template, and with it, my very own holiday traditions. 
 
One of the first things I did was buy a tree. 
 
By then, I had also learned how the Christmas tree came to be—and that it had absolutely nothing to do with the
​birth of Christ. 
 
In fact, bringing nature inside has long been part of a Pagan, pre-Christian ritual that saw its adherents garnishing their homes with evergreen shrubs.   (Cutting down entire trees would have been considered far too destructive to the beauty of nature—which this early religion was devoted to.)  Indeed, one way of recognizing the important mid-winter holiday was to display the scrubs, which often included decorating them with bits of glass and metal.  It wasn’t until centuries later that Christians added a baby in a manger and stamped the celebration as theirs.   
 
Eventually, too, I baked cookies, but not every year and not nearly in the quantities my mother had.  Sometimes I even put a string of outdoor lights around my doorway.  With the wisdom and self-confidence that comes with age, I knew that this act had nothing to do with worshipping a man born in Bethlehem.  But it had everything to do with saying the lights simply made me happy.     
 
So it was that by the time I had my baby girl, I knew her December 25 would bear no resemblance to the ones I only wanted to forget. 
 
She would have a big tree, and there would be presents underneath it.  There would certainly be many ornaments, including one acknowledging her first Christmas.  And there would be lots of photos of her on display, all wearing cutie patootie outfits topped by a Santa hat. 
 
Most of all, I wanted my daughter to experience one of childhood’s very best days of the entire year.
 
And that was Christmas morning,
 
She would likely have a hard time going to sleep, restlessly dreaming of reindeer hoofs on our roof.  She would definitely wake up very early, and then run to the Christmas tree in the living room. There, she might find a new bicycle, and lots of other gifts lovingly wrapped, waiting for her tiny hands to tear apart. 
 
On my end, I couldn’t wait to watch.        
 
And because of who I am, and where I came from, yes, we would have a menorah. 
 
But it was my turn  to do it my way, so that meant that this candelabra would have its own special spot, with small dreidels and a special cloth, festooned with Stars of David, accessorizing the area.  There would be full-on Hebrew prayers every evening for those nine days, too, with my daughter lighting the candles every time.  I would also learn to make potato pancakes from scratch, served with homemade applesauce and sour cream.   Sometimes we would read the story of how Hanukah began.  And there would be presents here, too, mostly books.   
 
There are plenty of other folks just like me—people who have mindfully chosen to not repeat the Christmas playbook of their childhoods.    
 
Some prefer poinsettia bushes instead of a tree, while others always give to a favorite charity rather than exchange presents.  Kwanza is now in the mix, and I also have Christian friends who believe that celebrating Hanukah is pretty cool, too.  It heartens me as well to see many others who define this season as one of community service, and do that walk with grace.     
 
Really, it all comes down to this:  you can pick and choose, add and subtract, and create your own December rituals.  Make it big, or make it small.  Make it traditional, or create a new spin or two. 
 
Most of all, make it fit you.    
 
How did you celebrate the holidays as a child, and how about now? I’d love to hear your stories!    
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39 Comments
Patti
11/28/2015 04:13:07 pm

I love this story!

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Hilary
11/28/2015 04:53:37 pm

Awww, thank you! xo

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Larry Grant
11/28/2015 04:27:44 pm

Wow! Christmas as a kid for me is full of so many beautiful memories. Okay, I grew up Catholic. Most of my friends were Catholic and all of my friends celebrated Christmas. Christmas was a big deal. The lights. The music. The joy of the season were so special. I looked forward to visiting Polsky's Department Store with my grandmother and telling Santa that I'd tried to be good and really hoped for something new for my Lionel train. Yeah, I was a believer.
I also loved Midnight Mass with the choir music and story of a special baby born in Bethlehem who would be a blessing to the whole world.
Now I get to share the season with my wonderful Jewish girl wife, our beautiful daughter who is no longer a little girl, and family who are so special to me.
To anyone reading this, have a special and joyful Christmas season!

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Hilary
11/28/2015 04:54:12 pm

Thank you for leaving such a beautiful comment, straight from the heart. :) xo

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Susan Jordan
11/28/2015 07:38:17 pm

Great *welding* story, Hilary! I'm glad you mentioned halfway through the pagan origins of 'Christmas' trees, or I would've told you you had little to worry about, lol! One of my favorite activities of this season for the last several years has been going caroling with my co-parishioners and friends, associates, and neighbors along the Venice (California) Canals. We start out around the outdoor fire in the yard of our Deacon and his wife (steps to the ocean), enjoy some soup, cookies, and hot apple cider, then travel across Pacific Avenue down to the Canals. One of our first stops is almost always at the Jewish neighbors of the Deacon and his wife. We sing secular songs like 'Frosty The Snowman' and "Let It Snow" (in Southern California!) there, then wish the house a Happy Hanukkah before moving on. We carry songbooks and light-bulb candles (we used to hold real candles, but the breeze often blew those out!), and often stop and sing on the foot bridges that line the Canals. To me, it's sublime, and I look forward to it all year long.

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Hilary
11/28/2015 07:53:26 pm

Oh, the Venice canals are wonderful! There was a time when the whole area was decrepit and dangerous, but no more... comedian Orson Bean and his wife Ally Mills (The Wonder Years) live there, or at least, used to. What a great tradition as well. And singing "Let It Snow"... well, it just might this winter!

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Rebecca
11/29/2015 12:51:46 am

We also have many traditions. They all light the darkness!

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Hilary
11/29/2015 10:17:32 am

Which is exactly what they're supposed to do, no matter what the tradition is. The shame of feeling different and left out is hopefully a thing of the past as well. :)

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Jackie
11/29/2015 05:21:56 am

Loved your story! My Christmas decorations and celebrations are certainly more low-keyed than in the past when the kids were little; but in that simplicity I found myself embracing the true meaning of the holiday in a more humanitarian than religious manner. This year, I am going to find beautiful blank notecards (with an artistic representation of the season) and write about why I am grateful for having the recipient (of the card) in my life. Peace and joy to all who celebrate living!

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Hilary
11/29/2015 10:21:14 am

Oh, that sounds wonderful. I expect we'll be a little more low key after Katie leaves for college. Hubster requested a smaller tree this year, which I'm on board with. I'll be making pies and a cake for a family gathering, so no baking cookies this year. I never want the month to feel like a chore, so I pick and choose what tradition I will, and will not, do. :)

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Kari Schultz
11/29/2015 12:24:14 pm

Christmas as a child was amazing. The presents were not the highlight, but the gathering of family to celebrate together. Once my grandparents passed (they raised my twin sister and I), that all stopped. Very sad for me. But I am so thankful for my own family and that each year we make it our own. But celebrating the birth of Jesus remains the same for our family each year. So thankful for you Hilary and sharing your heart on each and every post. XO

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Hilary
11/29/2015 12:54:57 pm

Thanks for these thoughts! As older generations pass, that leaves room to make our own new traditions, and if we'd like, keep some of the old. The only thing in life for sure is change. We have to learn to ride that roller coaster with grace and wonder! :)

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Jamie Lewis
11/29/2015 03:06:22 pm

This was such a wonderful story Hilary! It seems that I have always had several very good friends who are Jewish, despite being raised very Catholic! I have actually been a little jealous of them because they all get to celebrate both holidays! I feel bad for you that you did not get to enjoy such an experience growing up. Glad you found a way to make it your own and wonderful time of year now and can share it with those who matter the most!! True spirit of the season!! Love to you and your family!

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Hilary
11/29/2015 04:49:05 pm

I think that unless you are a very, very religious Jew, many Jewish households now celebrate the **spirit** of Christmas with Hanukkah bushes and even a few presents, as well as a menorah. As I mentioned in the blog, for millions, it's all about celebrating the good tidings, good cheer, and of course, gratitude, rather than the birth of Jesus Christ. My parents came of age in such a weird time, a time when job applications asked your religion, and if you wrote Jewish, you didn't get hired. I realize now that they did the best they could... because they were ambivalent about the whole thing as well. I am so very grateful that those days are over! :)

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Laura Patterson
11/29/2015 03:22:37 pm

Your daughter is very fortunate for all the "gifts" you have given her, and I don't just mean the wrapped ones under the tree!

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Hilary
11/29/2015 04:50:10 pm

Oh, thank you, Laura. She saved my life after Casey's death. I love her sooooo much! :)

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leslie spoon
11/29/2015 08:15:14 pm

Hilary Your potato pancakes are great!!! Christmas was a moody time at my house because my father lost his father in a car crash on Christmas Eve. My Dad was only 12 when it happened and he never got over it. My mom tried to make up for it though. What is important to me at this time of year is for people to treat each other with kindness.

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Hilary
11/29/2015 09:03:32 pm

That had to be just awful for him. Everyone is singing about how joyful the season is, and after age 12, all he could think about was that Christmas Eve marked what was probably the most horrific day of his life. Of course, no grief groups then... but I'm sure your mom did her best. Yes, kindness to others, and to OURSELVES, is a great way to celebrate the season. :)

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Duane Stevens
11/30/2015 05:54:32 am

But your story does not mention the man who had an enormous effect on your life

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Hilary
11/30/2015 07:26:49 am

Hmm... and whom might that be? Definitely NOT Santa Claus! :)

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Melany Shapiro
11/30/2015 06:41:13 pm

I too always felt bitter around Christmas time -- like there was a big party and I wasn't invited. I begged my dad for a Chanukah bush, but no dice. :( Only recently I've come to appreciate the lights and happiness that comes with the season. I'm too old to care if I've been invited -- I invite myself!

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Hilary
11/30/2015 08:43:57 pm

When I lived in NYC, I worked with a woman who grew up on Long Island. It was a very Jewish community, and she told me that she never felt left out at Christmastime because her neighborhood was festooned with blue and white lights, there were tons of presents, lots of latkes and chocolate, and beautiful menorahs. I'm going to assume that you grew up in a neighborhood that was more mixed when it came to religions... might that explain the left-out feelings? I never felt bitter, but I definitely felt ashamed and absolutely not invited to the party. I'm glad to hear that I wasn't the only one!

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Tammy Dacin
12/1/2015 09:39:05 am

Great blog Hilary!
My family celebrated Christmas like it was the last one. My father was raised Catholic my mom had a mixed up bringing. Her mother was a Jehovah's witnesses and her father was not. Her father insisted that Christmas was celebrated in the home even though grandma did not believe in it. Kinda crazy! So the outcome was that when we were kids we celebrated Christmas like it was the last one! It started with my father going into the attic and bringing down box after box of Christmas decorations. My sister and I would hand polish every Christmas decoration to be put on the tree, some were very old and handed down from my mom's aunt. After mother inspected our work and dad had put the lights on the tree we could begin the tree decorating. When every bulb was in place then we hung the tinsel. Two to three strands at a time on each branch. It took forever, but when all was done, I would stand back and look at the tree with all its glory, smiling the whole time. It's was worth it. Then my father would hang a single strand of lights on the outside of the house ( very bland by today's standards) In my eyes we had the loveliest house in all of Los Osos! Then came Christmas eve that Christmas tree had so many gifts under it, it was just this side of obscene! My sister and i could care less, we just couldn't wait to open those packages! We would have all the family over for Christmas eve dinner, my grandma included, even though she didn't believe in Christmas. she believed that family was a gift and she always celebrated with us. My sister and I were aloud to open one gift. It's was always hard to choose.
Then it was time for bed. I couldn't sleep! Just thinking about Santa coming down the chimney to bring his special gift was so exciting. Sometimes I would get out of bed and stare out the sliding glass doors in our bedroom to see if I could get a glimpse of Santa and his reindeer. I'm sure I saw him a couple of times. Christmas morning came and we sat around the tree opening every gift including santa's.
I think back on those Christmases and realize the beauty of it all. It was not about the gifts, it's was how we came together as family and turned our house into something magical for all the family and friends to see and gather around.
I continue the Christmas spirit with husband and son in hopes that it brings joy to others.
My husband told me just the other day as he was hanging the lights outside he heard the little neighbor boy say "look daddy they are putting up the Christmas lights!" ...... That's what it's all about.
Merry Christmas!

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Hilary
12/1/2015 03:55:16 pm

I absolutely love the fact that even though your grandmother didn't believe in celebrating Christmas, she obviously understood the significance of the season... and went along with the program, so to speak! The traditions you describe, including polishing all of the ornaments, plus how you carefully placed the tinsel, are wonderful memories as well. Katie swears that she "always knew Santa Clause was fake," but that's just her teenage bravado... *I* remember when she thought he was real, and that's a lovely memory I have. : )

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Hilary
12/1/2015 05:37:06 pm

And I just thought of a new tradition for you... making a recipe, every day of the month, out of your Christmas cookbook. : )

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Tori gleiberman
12/1/2015 06:49:27 pm

What a beautiful article! In so many ways, I can relate to your "California Jew" comment. Although, my mother gave into having a huge tree and all my little Jewish friends would beg to come over to help decorate it! Which I always felt kind of weird about.......why were we calling ourselves Jews but celebrating (and man did we!!!) Christmas!!! Anyways, from one cal. Jew to another (and how funny is it that we meet at a temple 😇) there are only 8 (not 9) days in Hanukkah! 😘

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Hilary
12/1/2015 08:03:28 pm

Ha!!!!! YES--EIGHT days but NINE places to hold the Hanukkah candles because of the leader candle. Thank you! Fascinating that *you* got to celebrate Christmas, but knew you were Jewish, so, there was all of that confusion coming from that perspective. It would be interesting to ask your parents why your family called yourself Jewish but why you still celebrated Christmas. Frankly, I wish my parents had done this with me... it would have made me feel much less like an outsider. :)

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Jerry link
12/1/2015 06:59:29 pm

When I was 7, I moved (on Christmas day!) with my parents (and 2 younger sisters) from the Jewish neighborhood where we grew up in Philly (with grandparents & cousins) to a 100% goyish farmtown (pop. 2000) in the middle-of-nowhere boonies of CT. We were the first Jews the town had ever seen; the nearest shul was an Orthodox one in Hartford, a half-hour drive each way, which didn’t deter my mother from shlepping us there three times a week for Sunday school and after-school Hebrew classes — even for two years past my Bar Mitzvah! Like a fish not knowing it’s wet, I had no concept of being Jewish or not Jewish in Philly — everybody I knew was Jewish. So the move to CT was quite a jarring transition, since in my new locale, we were quite the anomaly. On my first day of school, the teacher asked me to lead the class in the daily Pledge of Allegiance and the Lord’s Prayer, and thought I was being a wiseass when I claimed zero knowledge of the latter. Our household was not religious, but we did celebrate holiday rituals, from seders to dreidels — our one concession to Christmas was not a tree (too messy, too much work) but rather stockings hung by the chimney with care on Xmas eve (and typically filled with school supplies). We were the envy of classmates for getting presents on eight consecutive nights (albeit small ones, especially as our family quickly expanded to 7 kids). I recall experiencing no anti-Semitism, though I’d frequently hear “Jew” used as a verb for tenacious bargaining — the utterer would legitimately think it was a neutral or even complimentary directive to “Jew him down to five bucks,” the perception being that Jews are savvy and/or good with money, despite all evidence I personally embodied to the contrary.

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Hilary
12/1/2015 08:15:10 pm

Oh, so much to say here and such interesting memories on your end! My long time car mechanic in LA, who was from the same region of Australia that Arnold Schwarzenegger was from, so **imagine an accent just like Arnold's**, once mentioned to me that "I had to Jew him down." I said, "PETER! How can you SAY that in front of me! You know I'm Jewish! That is so insulting!" He said, "What? What do you mean? I CHEWED this man down to get the right price. CHEW, like keep eating and getting less!" He TRULY thought the word was CHEW! I did experience one bit of anti-Semitism in middle school. I was walking down the hall with an acquaintance and mentioned that I was Jewish . She literally STOPPED in her tracks, did a double take, and said, "YOU?! You're JEWISH?!" At that time, I think many Christian congregations were taught that Jews had murdered Christ... so, she saw me as a killer. She was Japanese-American, so that made it even more interesting in that she was, also, a minority. (June Ida, if you're out there, I forgive you) Finally, it would be interesting to talk to your parents now and ask if they realized how profoundly the move to Goytown affected you as a child. I think we both have great memoirs in us! :)

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kerri
12/1/2015 07:48:46 pm

I am enjoying this holiday season very much! So far I have watched the Hallmark channel Christmas movies every night. I have baked and decorated and shopped. Oh how I love Christmas... thank you for the great blog, Hilary!

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Hilary
12/1/2015 08:18:34 pm

Oh, none of this surprises me, as you are a romantic and sentimental person! Just make me this promise: do NOT watch the original Miracle on 34th Street.. as that is what we're watching on Movie Night! :) xo

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George link
12/12/2015 11:58:30 am

I finally got to read your story.
A very good one.

I had quite a few Jewish friends when I was growing up all the way through school and through life. They celebrated Hanakkah and we celebrated Christmas. It was not, admittedly, a religious celebration in our family but was about family getting together, the tree, the songs, Christmas dinner and the full stockings and presents under the tree. Parents would spend a couple of weeks sending out cards from a long list. My mother would make notes about the cards and what personal messages they contained and most often write something of a personal nature along with the printed message.
It was a time of sharing and communication. I remember one year my Jewish girl friend Judy and I were comparing the merits of Hanakkah and Christmas and she definitely trumped me when she said, "Hanakkah is eight nights, which means we get a present for each night."

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Hilary
12/13/2015 11:06:03 am

Yup, we're going to our in-laws for a Christmas Eve gathering and there will not be one iota of religion there. It will be about the dinner and the beautiful tree and singing songs. Nothing wrong with that! Re: what your friend Judy said, maybe... that's if she came from a family where there were amazing presents every night. As you know, I didn't get that. I still think Christmas trumps Hanukkah because our culture here makes it that way. Also, Hanukkah is considered a minor holiday on the Jewish calendar. It's made as big as it is to compete, in its own tiny way, with Christmas.

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Kim Fonturbel
12/13/2015 04:33:09 pm

Love this blog Hilary! I love family traditions. Grand way to anchor-tie a family together thru generations. {Our tree topper is the star from my childhood. The train around the bottom was my father's.} Two simple traditions we created and hope the kids continue: when we decorate the tree, we play "Charlie Brown Christmas" movie over and over round robin style until its all decorated... one or the other of us is saying the dialogue intermittently with lots of it being said in chorus together. Second, It becomes board game time around here at Christmas. "Masterpiece" being everyone's favorite. {As a child we played Christmas Eve Bingo for prizes that were sealed in brown lunch sacks.} Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy 2016!

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Hilary
12/13/2015 05:01:52 pm

Traditions are not just wonderful... I think, on some level, they're necessary, because they truly do anchor a family together. You have some good ones, for sure! I especially like the Christmas Eve bingo when you were a child. Ever try to bring it back? :)

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Bruce
12/2/2016 09:39:01 pm

Remember the presents we would get from Iva and Gordon our neighbors. We would go to their house and get them from the Xmas tree. Boy did I look forward to that! We got them on Xmas.

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Hilary
12/3/2016 07:58:21 pm

LOL! I have **no memory** or that at ALL! What kinds of presents did they give us? :)

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Becky
11/28/2017 09:01:57 am

As you might know, Christmas was one of my dad's (Uncle Joe's) favorite holidays, for all the reasons you mention ... the lights, the tree, the food, the family. It can be confusing to have this melting pot of traditions, but in the end, worth navigating. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah etc.!

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Hilary
11/28/2017 04:45:08 pm

Absolutely. I wish my parents had done a better job navigating when I was a kid; in any case, I hope I did right by Katie. :)

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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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