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Empty Nest

8/12/2017

19 Comments

 
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​Unlike most parents who have been through it, there wasn’t a formal announcement.
 
In fact, there wasn’t any clear line of demarcation.  And while some of the signposts were there, I failed to see them, most likely because I didn’t want to.
 
So, at least for me, it was a surprise
 
Yup, The Hubster and I have become empty nesters.
 
It has now been eight months since The Teenage Daughter—who, in all fairness, will turn 20 years old one week after Christmas—has left the building to live her with kind and good boyfriend.  Already, the two of them seem to fit like an old shoe, so much so that my child appears more comfortable, and way happier, than I’ve seen her in a long time.
 
Most Girl Clown Dancing fans know that my girl graduated from high school last year, and then, for a whole lot of reasons, enrolled in our awesome community college. 
 
When the time came to start her freshman year there, we wanted to support and encourage her as much as possible.  So, to that end, we picked up the costs for all book rentals, registration fees and parking passes. (Thanks to a generous patron, her first year of tuition was free.) 
 
There’s more, all of which we were happy to do. 
 
We didn’t ask her to pay any room and board, and we also gifted her with a top-of-the-line laptop.  In addition, I gave her my sensible white sedan to commute to school, about 10 minutes from our house.  And we agreed to give her a small weekly allowance for gas and snacks, as well as money to cover her cell phone and most of her car maintenance
and insurance.    
 
In return, we asked that she find a part-time job (she did) and adhere to a reasonable curfew (which she mostly did), and let us know when she wouldn’t be home for dinner.
 
We figured she’d live here, with us as a mostly invisible parachute, until she got her associate’s degree, graduating with zero debt.  After that, she would move out to attend a four-year school, or maybe leave for a promising job that would be the springboard to whatever her career might be. 
 
It was A Very Good Plan.
 
And really, all went well for the first three months or so.
 
Then I noticed that she was starting to spend a lot more weekends with girlfriends.  My daughter has always been
an extrovert, so while the frequency was unusual, it still didn’t register with me that something else might be going on. 
 
But not long after, she was staying only a night or two at home in the course of any given week.  Still, we knew her grades and her job were A-Okay, so we decided it wasn’t worth an interrogation.
 
The Big News arrived in January.
 
My daughter had stopped by to pick something up.  As usual, I was on the couch with a dog or two, reading and trying to mind my own business.
 
“Okay,” she blurted out. “I have a boyfriend.  I’ve known him for a couple of months.  But now it’s official, so I can
tell you.”
 
Not long after, she and he met The Hubster and me at a favorite restaurant.  They requested that this first meeting take place in public, primarily because my child was terrified that her dad wouldn’t approve of the relationship.  She needn’t have worried; it was obvious that this man adored her, which was the most important thing to us.  We also liked the fact that he had met her at school; worked full-time, and was a few years older than her. 
 
Still, my child continued with her mostly-not-around schedule, grabbing a few items from her room here and there whenever she left.   
 
Then, a few weeks later, the two came over for dinner.   We’d just begun to dig into the meal. 
 
“So,” said The Hubster, gazing intently at both of them.  “Are you two living together?”
 
My daughter and her beau looked at each other.  Then, both smiling sheepishly, they nodded yes.
 
“It’s fine,” replied her dad.  “We just wanted to know what’s going on.”
 
The energy in the room lightened considerably, and immediately. 
 
That night, my daughter skedaddled with most her clothes and makeup and shoes to what is now her home.  These days, we usually see them once a week, sometimes for dinner, sometimes for breakfast.  In-between, my girl and I trade jokes and recipes and videos on social media.  She also knows that if the relationship ends up taking a different turn, her bed isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
 
Meanwhile, it’s a whole new, and pretty interesting, ball game for me.
 
Having had her in my home for nearly two decades, and also not being able to imagine my life without her, of course I miss her effervescent energy, keen observations and good humor.
 
I mean, what can I say?  I love her.  Beyond the moon and back.   
 
However, I don’t miss the moodiness and general angst that comes with being a 19-year-old, which included the mastering of slamming doors, one word answers and withering glances.  
 
All in all, it’s just a lot calmer, and a lot more predictable, around here.
 
Indeed, we’re smack in the middle of a routine that I found in an article titled 10 Things to Look Forward to as an
Empty Nester
.  I identify with more than few items here, including the fact that our food bills are way smaller, and
the kitchen sink is cleaner. 
 
Did I mention that we can also cook shrimp and canned beans and eggs now without my daughter making faces?  But the very best part for me is number seven:  having the chance to now experience my child as a terrific young adult. 
 
Of course, each one of us is still working through the many fluctuations that this new life chapter is bringing. Interestingly, I find myself neither happy nor sad.  Rather, I prefer to think of it all as a new learning experience,
one that I’m trying to be completely present for.  
 
So far, so good.
 
What about your experiences as an empty nester—either from a parent perspective, or from a child’s point of view?  
​As always, I look forward to your stories and comments! 
19 Comments
Patti
8/12/2017 06:09:22 pm

The timing was such that my youngest child turned 18 and moved out within weeks of me getting married. After thirteen years of raising my children as a widowed mom, I've now enjoyed 15 years of child-free wedded bliss. It's like we are still newlyweds! I LOVE being an empty-nester!

Reply
Hilary
8/12/2017 07:46:44 pm

I've known more than a few parents who became empty nesters, only to have the nest become full again a few years later--usually because of financial considerations. I think my daughter is really enjoying spreading her wings right now, though, so I think she would return only as a last resort. Ha! : )

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SusanJordan
8/13/2017 01:03:24 pm

I had no real nest to empty, so I don't have much to contribute on this one, but I'm glad things are going smoothly for you and Larry and Katie, Hilary!

Reply
Hilary Grant
8/13/2017 03:06:55 pm

Yup, and keeping all digits crossed, too! :)

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Nancy
8/13/2017 04:27:01 pm

I went through the empty nest bit without a hitch, even though both of my girls went out of state for higher education. I feel better for them to be fulfilled and following their dream then to be close by. For my 2 daughters that meant leaving CA. I've recently had angst with one of my daughter who lives with a nice psychiatrist couple while going to school. They don't have kids and have lots of money, and are in my daughters field and have pretty much adopted her. When I was up for Thanksgiving I totally felt like the odd girl out like in high school. I went to a counselor for the first time in many years to talk about this and it helped especially since the counselor knows my daughter very well .She reminded me that I will always be her mother but it's not going to be easy for me until all this gets less intense. So nice to talk to someone with wisdom about these difficult issues. Thanks Hilary. Sounds like you and your husband are being the right amount of being chill and supportive.



Reply
Hilary
8/13/2017 05:19:16 pm

I'm sure you'll get across those bumps in the road re: the couple who have "adopted" your daughter, but being on that road right now can't be easy. I don't know that I'm particularly wise about any of this, but we're trying. I think Katie also has a whole lot of adventures ahead of her, and this is just the beginning. It's such a big, beautiful, WIDE world out there, and she deserves to discover as much of it as she can!

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Larry Grant
8/13/2017 04:28:33 pm

It's all good! Of course, I can affirm all of what you've stated since I'm sharing it with you.

Reply
Hilary
8/13/2017 05:20:20 pm

Together on this, we're both experiencing that the only constant in life is... change! xo

Reply
George Marshall link
8/13/2017 07:14:55 pm

She went off to college on the east coast when she was eighteen and stayed there. That was sixteen years ago and, apart from brief visits, has not been back. So I have had to face up to the fact that the days of childhood are gone for ever. We always knew that of course but that doesn't prevent the recognition of it, even after so many years, of having a shock value which in a strange way increases over time as the memory of the problems fall away and the golden ones shine all the brighter.

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Hilary Grant
8/13/2017 09:07:31 pm

The recognition that my daughter is no longer a child is still sinking in! I am thrilled that the cell phone exists, because we can keep in nearly-everyday contact that way . I'm also glad that she WANTS to see us once a week, and wants us to get to know her boyfriend. But I also know that they could come over and announce that they're leaving the area. And frankly, I want that for her... so much of the world to see! :)

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kerri
8/13/2017 07:46:39 pm

Cassidy is cute- she still comes here ALOT, and even likes to keep clothes here. She sleeps on the couch, even though I beg her to sleep with me. She would hate to move back ("Social Suicide") but I know she loves coming over. I love it, too. I just wish she would respect my house a little more- I KNOW she wasn't born in a barn, but sometimes she acts like it! lol!

Reply
Hilary Grant
8/13/2017 09:10:31 pm

Awww, that's sweet that she comes home that often. The link to you is still strong, and will probably be for a very long time. Katie actually wants to see us once a week as well, which makes me feel good! :)

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andrea
8/13/2017 11:34:08 pm

Beautiful ode to your lovely daughter!

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Hilary
8/14/2017 08:47:15 am

Yes, now a young adult; you'll see. It goes FAST. :)

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leslie spoon
8/14/2017 07:16:28 am

Hilary My mom was happy when I moved out at 19. She said that now she would not know what time I get in at night etc. My dad was not happy about it though. My brother wasted no time in taking over my room!

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Hilary
8/14/2017 08:49:50 am

If you were 19 right now and moving out, I bet she's be checking w/ you via text. Of course, you could always text back that you were home when you were still out partying. Oh, and I'm also assuming that you had the bigger bedroom! :)

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Kevin Fagan
8/14/2017 09:34:23 am

I certainly have carried on, but I don't like the empty nest. Daughter makes the home complete, and without her it's not. Simply that.

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Hilary Grant
8/14/2017 02:15:29 pm

The fact that yours is many thousands of miles away, and mine is about an hour's drive away--which means I see her usually once a week--makes a huge difference, I think. :)

Reply
Kevin Fagan
8/14/2017 03:25:18 pm

How absolutely lovely to have her so close by still!


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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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