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A Decade Down,Many More to Come

7/4/2015

42 Comments

 
Picture
I wasn’t exactly a blushing bride.

In fact, I was 50 years old when I slipped into a shimmery pink, custom-designed ensemble, and, clutching a bouquet of matching Gerber daisies and sweet peas, walked down the aisle (actually, a manicured lawn) to enter into wedded bliss with my soon-to-be husband. 

That was the first time, and the only time.

Now, this month, we are about to celebrate a decade of marriage. 

There are times when it seems that I’ve blinked and the years have passed. 

But there have also been formidable challenges that have made those 3,650 days and nights sometimes feel a whole lot longer.  

These trials have included navigating the rocky relationship my spouse had with his three grown daughters when we married (we’re all pretty good now), as well as the free-falling loss of his once solid business.  Too, there was a period when both of us were working hard yet still not making enough to pay all of our bills.

But hardest of all was the abrupt foreclosure on what we thought would be our forever, dream home.   

In fact, the most awful times were right after we lost the house, when we were barely speaking to one another (my choice) and my anger was just a tad below a rolling boil.  

This was in 2008, and because we were casualties of that first massive wave of foreclosures, we never realized that we literally should have, and could have, held our ground.  (The bank representative we had been working with had repeatedly told us not to worry, and had also said, many times, “I promise you we will work it out.”  The lender itself went belly-up less than a year later.)  In the end, we were given one hour--yes, you read that correctly--to vacate, and with a deputy sheriff at our door, believed that leaving was our only option.     

Still, we had a bit of luck in that we were immediately able to move into a friend’s vacation home, for free, while we waited for the tenant who was renting my own smaller home to move out in a month.  It was around this time that my husband also got a call to teach one class at a private high school, which was a start (he is now going into this fourth year as a full-time employee). 

I did a lot of crying, privately and publicly, and I didn’t care who was watching.

Despite having promised to be by my spouse’s side for better or worse, sorry, this was not what I had signed up for.  Naturally, I wouldn’t allow—nope, at least I had the power here—to let him so much as hold my hand. 

One friend told me to get a divorce, pronto.  Another, my best friend and matron of honor, listened and then asked one question. 

“Do you love him?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said, weeping.  “I do.”

“Then you’ll get through it.”

She was right. 

After all, he hadn’t cheated on me, he hadn’t abused me, and he wasn’t an alcoholic or a drug addict.  He was just someone who wasn’t very good with money (as it turned out, his late wife had handled that part of the business, and he had been stumbling to do it all himself, something I didn’t fully realize until it was too late).  He is also a very kind man, and certain people had taken advantage of his naiveté. Sadly, that took us into even darker waters.  

Eventually, I owned my part of the mess.

Because the business had done so well for so long well before I arrived on the scene, and because we had been able to make a very large down payment on our dream home, I assumed he knew what he was doing when it came to handling our finances.  Most of the bills were in his name, and frankly, I liked it that way.    

But as it happens, I’m quite good at budgeting and saving (thank you, Mom!), so after the fall, I took control of the checkbook (which my husband was very happy to hand over).  Bit by bit, we got back on our feet again.  I’m especially proud that my credit rating is higher than it has ever been.   

Although those times are not something I would ever want to go through again, I’ll say this: they not only made us stronger as a couple, they made me realize that I wanted to stay married. 

Indeed, there was something about taking my vows in front of God, and in front of family and friends, which made me recognize how strong the commitment really was. 

For one thing, given that I was late to the marital merry-go-round, I’d already trotted around the block a few times. So, I knew that what we had was pretty special.  For another, I had my own, personal comparison when it came to an intimate partnership:  I had lived with and loved another man, my daughter’s first father, for many years, but we had never made our commitment a legal one. 

This coupling was not nearly as easy to walk away from.

And guess what?  Because I stayed, chances are that I’ll live longer.

According to a 2013 feature from the online magazine Slate, study after study about getting married tells us why. 

For one thing, having a family gives people something to live for, and because of that, also discourages risky behaviors like smoking and riding a motorcycle.  The article also says that a life partner provides an outlet to discuss personal stresses, and helps with remaining more intellectually engaged with others as well, which can avoid dementia.  (There are many more reasons right here in the entire article, at http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/future_tense/2013/10/marriage_and_health_it_may_extend_life_but_increase_the_risk_of_obesity.html)

So, here’s wishing you a happy anniversary, Larry Grant.   Thank you for running the marriage marathon side-by-side with this girl clown.     

And always remember this:  I love you to the moon and back—and there are no plans on this end to leave the arena. 

Yes, no, or somewhere in-between…what are your thoughts about marriage and other kinds of commitment?   

42 Comments
Larry Grant
7/4/2015 07:40:44 am

Yes, I know it was tough to write. Thank you from the bottom of this heart that belongs to you for writing it. Parts of it, of course, are hard to read.
Know that I'm in this adventure with you for as long as I live.
I love you Girl Clown!

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Hilary
7/4/2015 08:58:43 am

Marriage is never all hearts and flowers, but it's well worth the ride! xo

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Patti Holman
7/4/2015 09:12:04 am

This essay brought me to tears. I remember those long telephone conversations we had, like it was yesterday. But, I also remember the very special love you and Larry have always had for each other. In the grand scheme of life, it was only a little bump in the road. You two are a stronger couple because of everything you have been through together. I'm so glad you found your true love!

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Hilary
7/4/2015 10:19:30 am

Thank you! This was a very difficult essay to write, but yes, we have survived! xo

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Bev Praver link
7/4/2015 09:19:57 am

You two have made it through some really tough stuff and have come through it smiling (even if you weren't smiling all the way through it). I'm glad your love and commitment was strong enough to bring you to this point. Happy Anniversary and many more.

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Hilary
7/4/2015 10:21:02 am

Thanks, Bev. And hey, Jerry provided me with a hair dryer the month we were, as Larry puts it, "in exile." :)

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Jim Nolt
7/4/2015 10:15:10 am

Hilary... I enjoyed your story. Though I don't envy what the two of you went through, I do envy the strength of your commitment to each other. To know that someone cares even enough to want to hold on must be grand.

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Hilary
7/4/2015 10:52:02 am

Thank you, Jim. That commitment was there for a lot of reasons... I mean, if he had been cheating on me, or abusing me, that would have been a deal breaker. No question. It was also there because neither of us, as my mom would say, were spring chickens when we got married. We both KNEW what was out there! And, not to brag, but I think Larry also knew that he had found a really good partner. We've also gotten way better at communicating, which has been a huge plus toward making the commitment work.

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Laura Patterson
7/4/2015 02:05:34 pm

Wonderfully realistic depiction of the ups and downs and lasting bonds of marriage.

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Hilary
7/4/2015 04:07:20 pm

Thank you, Laura! :)

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Rebecca
7/4/2015 03:30:49 pm

Congrats for hanging in there even through the tough stuff.

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Hilary
7/4/2015 04:09:09 pm

Thank you! It was VERY tough, but so worth it. :)

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Ammy
7/5/2015 02:05:26 am

Honest and beautiful blogging Hillary! Thank you for sharing!

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Hilary
7/5/2015 03:21:59 am

Thank you, Ammy! The bumps in the road--which, at the time, felt like ditches--ultimately made us stronger. :)

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Kimberly Fonturbel
7/5/2015 07:47:02 am

Thank you for sharing this Hilary. Very personal portrait. John and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this year, I related to such things as the finances~ who watches them, how you come to agreements in that area is a big challenge in marriage. We finally found that when we disagree, rather than finding fault, we search for how we'll go about it 'next time' in a way that's win win for both of us. That's been a great discovery.

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Hilary
7/5/2015 08:47:47 am

Thanks for this! I've actually heard that money troubles are one of the biggest reasons that marriages break up. We now have weekly meetings to discuss what the coming week is bringing... everything from upcoming events, to our dinner menu, to what bills we can pay and how much we can pay that week... and how much we can save. I *never* want to be that naive bride, ever, ever again. :)

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Kimberly Fonturbel
7/6/2015 12:16:30 am

Meetings are great. We put 'dates' on the calendar-some are simply: July 8th: 'sit in living room together 7:30-8:30pm'. In this day and age of computers and 'busy' It can be scarce for parents to be seen in one place, open and available. Modeling non-screen time can't hurt. I forgot to mention how much I love your wedding photo!

Heather Risinger
7/5/2015 10:52:30 am

This one hits home. Pardon the pun ;) We, too, suffered unethical banking and lenders that eventually led to the foreclosure of our main home. 2008 was brutal and lead to my husband having to go to Iraq. My best friend had breast cancer, and we all felt like the world was against us. We realized that when our marriage survived all of that...we were solid. When we get through the REALLY hard times, it seems the regular hard times aren't quite so overwhelming. ps...we have ALWAYS shared every detail of all of our finances together. We are both in charge, and BOTH have to take responsibility for our present success and for our past failures.

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Hilary
7/5/2015 12:31:15 pm

The post script you wrote is exactly how Larry and I have managed our finances since our '08 catastrophe... to do otherwise would be asking for a heap of trouble. We share and are BOTH in charge. Marriage is ssooooo much more than romance; it's about getting through the hard times and knowing that as committed partners in LIFE, you are both on the same TEAM. :)

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Bill
7/5/2015 02:46:14 pm

Life can sure dish up some waves that crash over the shore of a marriage. But, the tide goes out eventually and calm returns. Hanging in together makes a huge difference. You guys are the best!

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Hilary
7/6/2015 03:23:49 am

When it comes down to it, life is really about having someone's hand to hold as you make your way home. When you're lucky enough to land the right person's hand in marriage, it is all that more special. :)

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Hank link
7/5/2015 09:53:11 pm

Congrats on your 10th!!

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hilary
7/6/2015 03:24:42 am

Thanks, Hank! We won't be going to a Broadway show, but we are going out of town for a special celebration!

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Lorraine Dansky
7/5/2015 11:22:01 pm

A big YES to marriage! Beautifully written account of your marriage history. Carl and I will be married 40 years this December and I can relate to the ups and downs that you and Larry experienced. What we discovered is that we are there for each other, always. We enjoy being together, which is why we are loving retirement. Life is not always easy, but sticking together through it all has been so worth it. We feel we are soulmates and love each other with all our hearts. We are always saying how lucky we are to be in a committed, loving relationship.

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Hilary
7/6/2015 03:30:00 am

Thank you for these kinds words. You and Carl are also lucky enough to have good health so you can fully enjoy your retirement. So many don't! :)

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leslie spoon
7/6/2015 01:28:53 am

Hilary Thank you for sharing that with us. I am sure it was hard to write. Leslie

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Hilary
7/6/2015 03:27:18 am

Thanks, Leslie. This blog is not always going to be light--just like life! :)

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Kevin Fagan, SF Chronicle reporter link
7/6/2015 03:27:01 am

Always honest, always from the heart, Hilary. Congratulations on 10 years! You and I never put much stock in conventionality back when we were young hippiehybrids of the 70s, but I'm with you -- the whole marriage thing is well worth it, and magical.

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Hilary
7/6/2015 04:18:56 am

Thanks, Kev. Conventionality definitely seemed boring when I was in my 20s, but isn't it funny how that changed once the frontal lobe reached full maturity? :)

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Jerry
7/6/2015 05:11:26 pm

Mazel tov to both of you!...
You're both on a good path...
My favorite marriage advice is from Ogden Nash:
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

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Hilary
7/7/2015 03:07:26 am

LOVE this! And SO true! :)

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Cynthia
7/13/2015 03:27:05 am

Hilary (& Larry)
This post is a tribute to commitment and loyalty...and beautifully told. Surely, there are some things that cross a line and will bring a marriage down. This was not one of them, although it was a really tough one. I admire this kind of strength, the decision to forgive, and acknowledge the reality that there are no perfect unions.
Staying together repaired two hurting people rather than bring down two good people with lonely paths ahead.

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Hilary
7/13/2015 06:08:38 am

Thank you, Cynthia. And to your entire comment, ALL, so true. :)

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Hilary
7/17/2015 06:10:32 am

And hubby found this today, which he thought would be a perfect illustration to this blog. I agree!
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/cf/cd/79/cfcd794dd0136b9d5c322c67f153f3c2.jpg

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Melissa
7/20/2016 01:06:05 pm

Beautiful and heartfelt. Happy anniversary, Hilary and Larry.

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Hilary
7/21/2016 02:15:40 pm

Thank you! :)

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LOIS GIBSON link
4/27/2018 07:27:32 pm

You inspired me with this. Such terrific writing, and I mean that! I am so old now, I figured out all of these guys are NOT PERFECT. News flash right? Brian and I have worked out the rough spots, some of which were the size of bowling balls. I control the finances. I completely understand your anger when you had a bad surprise. I knew I couldn't stand that so I made sure if things went bad, I was in control and would know exactly what was going on.

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Hilary
4/27/2018 09:13:32 pm

We now have a weekly meeting, where we discuss what bills needs to be made, what calls need to be done, what we need to start saving for bit by bit (car insurance, for instance)... and we also plan our menu for the week using supermarket ads. Not exactly romantic, but it works for us. We also discuss ALL money issues now. It was a tough lesson, but we've come out on the other end--no longer wearing the rose colored glasses, but I love the guy! : )

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Jim Nolt
4/28/2018 07:54:28 am

Lois Gibson's recent comment brought me back to this blog written almost three years ago. This time through, one line stood out for me.

"The article also says that a life partner provides an outlet to discuss personal stresses, and helps with remaining more intellectually engaged with others as well, which can avoid dementia."

I was married for almost 32 years... and am now just over 18 years alone. For me the worst part of being alone is not having a hand to hold... and not having hand that wants to be held. For those 32 years I had the former (her hand was there), but not the latter (it cared not to be held). Now, of course, I have neither. I don't think I'm in the throes of dementia because of it, but then again, maybe I am and just don't know it. :-) I hope things continue to go well for you and Larry... and that the love between you continues for many many years to come.

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Hilary
4/29/2018 10:08:13 am

We try and watch the national news together every night, which gives us a springboard to talk about issues of the day at dinner (which we generally are able to do together most every night...important to us) We also email each other longer news articles (usually NYT) back and forth during the week. Larry is more centrist that I am, so that can make for some interesting discussions. We still hold hands, often, but at the same time, we're well past the honeymoon period. I love having the chance to share my life w/ someone who has my back. BUT... it is still challenging and not always easy, especially when Larry comes home completely spent and the venting he needs to do comes out as anger toward me (ah, the life of being a teacher!). But, Jim, you have a village of those who have YOUR back, which is something everyone needs (whether they think they do or not), partnered or not. In this way, you are blessed. : )

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Jim Nolt
4/30/2018 12:22:47 pm

Indeed I am blessed with those many friends, and I appreciate them each and every day. Making new friends of my own and bringing others together is a great joy. How different my life would be if I had never sat down in front of the TV in 1953 to watch one particular series. As for Larry's venting... oh I know and remember those challenging days I spent as a teacher. But now some of those students "have my back" as well. One is my dentist, another a local police officer, and many are simply plain good friends.

Hilary
4/30/2018 01:06:02 pm

Larry has student families who adore him. One has a honey operation and told us that as long as he is in their lives, we will always have honey (lots of jars in the pantry right now)! The mom of another student gives us jellies and once, a homemade chicken pot pie. And Larry also gets a handful of restaurant certificates as gifts for Christmas. So, there are advantages, for sure! ;)

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    Hilary Roberts Grant

    Journalist, editor, filmmaker, foodie--and a clown! 
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